What a year in sports – and in garbage collection – in 2021

By Peter Finney Jr.
Clarion Herald

With a nod to my dad, Peter Finney Sr., who made a nice living providing closed-captioning services for Buddy Diliberto, here’s a projected, 365-day spin around the sports world in 2022, suitable either for your refrigerator door or for Mayor LaToya Cantrell’s recycling program (open one Saturday morning a month during leap years, beginning in 2032):

JANUARY: On New Year’s Eve, a three-TD performance by QB Bryce Young helps Nick Saban’s No. 1 Crimson Tide hold off upstart Cincinnati, 28-24, in the national semis, while Georgia rebounds from its lackluster loss in the SEC Championship to spank Michigan, 31-17. … With Brian Kelly in the press box reviewing “English as a Second Language” audio tapes of Buddy D. pronouncing “Mitsubishi,” a skeleton LSU squad gets a late 12-yard TD run from freshman Corey Kiner to defeat Kansas State 24-21 in the Texas Bowl on Jan. 4. “I’ve nev-va been prow-dah of a fam-uh-lee in my lahf, but I still can’t pronounce Mit-soo-bee-shlee,” Kelly says. … Post-game meal of Beluga caviar and blackened Wagyu beef catered by Ed Orgeron. … Saints finish on a five-game tear, closing out a 10-7 season with a 20-17 road victory over the Falcons, but lose to the Cowboys on wild-card weekend … Taysom Hill donates his body to Zion Williamson. … In the College Football Playoff national championship on Jan. 10, Saban collects his eighth ring – one for the middle finger on his right hand – with a 28-27 victory over the bridesmaid Bulldogs. “Relative to our expectations,” Saban says, “we need to focus better on our fundamentals if we’re going to repeat next year. Oh, and I need a raise.” … The Patriots defeat the Chiefs in the AFC Championship Game, 30-21, and the Packers outscore the Rams, 38-31, for the NFC crown.

FEBRUARY: In Super Bowl LVI at SoFi Stadium in Inglewood, New England relies on Bill Belichick’s Bose Quiet-Comfort earbuds to somehow decipher Aaron Rodgers’ audibles in real time and whack Green Bay 27-3. “It’s like he was inside my head all night,” a dazed Rodgers concedes. … After an investigation into Earbud-gate, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell takes away No. 1 picks from the Saints for the next three years. … Goodell also rescinds New Orleans’ second-round picks in ’22 and ’23 for triggering Tom Brady’s abuse of his sideline tablet. “It’s not good for children to see such petulant behavior,” Goodell said, “and as judge, jury and executioner, I always look to primary causes.” Brady’s fine is eight hours of autograph signing. … Zion Williamson signs a futures contract with Dickies Steel-Toe Workboots but takes no questions from reporters. NBA media puzzled by his cryptic tweet: “A Zion in Winter.”  … ESPN’s Adrian Wojnarowski publishes a five-part, orthopedic series, “The Metatarsal is More Important Than You Would Think,” which includes footnotes from an unpublished AMA study on the therapeutic efficacy of Crazy Glue.

MARCH: Behind F Tari Eason and F Darius Days, LSU finishes 23-8, including a 12-6 record in the SEC, to earn a No. 4 seed in the NCAA Tournament. … NCAA Infractions Committee announces it has launched an investigation of coach Will Wade’s role in an NIL deal that got 13 players free desserts at Walk-On’s plus 50% interest in a Nicaraguan gold mine, deliverable after next year’s secret military junta. … The Tigers knock off DePaul, Wisconsin and UConn to get to the Elite Eight before falling to Michigan State. … Mayor Cantrell promotes “Take Your Garbage to Work Day” as a shining example of community solidarity and shared sacrifice.

APRIL: Baylor, Kansas, Ohio State and Alabama reach the Final Four. Bama makes it a football-basketball double by nipping Ohio State, 75-73, behind G Jaden Shackelford’s 25 points and 10 rebounds. … At the Masters, Bryson DeChambeau vanquishes Augusta National, lengthened to 9,599 yards following the purchase of five surrounding subdivisions, with a closing 66-272. His green jacket doesn’t fit, but the Augusta power brokers have a 68 Long ready in green spandex. … Local rule at Augusta, hatched by CBS execs, allows Charlie Woods to putt for his dad on alternating holes. … Steve Asmussen-trained Epicenter runs down Brad Cox’s Rocket Dawg in the stretch to capture the Louisiana Derby. …  LSU grad Sam Burns teams with Billy Horschel to take the Zurich Classic at 27-under 261. … Saints pursue Aaron Rodgers, but the Packers QB does a discount double check and rejects Sean Payton’s offer after examining Zapruder films of New Orleans’ Crisco-fingered receiving corps. With a Russell Wilson trade deal too rich, Payton brings back Jameis Winston on an incentive-laden contract. … Saints move up to take Ohio State WR Chris Olave. … With Zion missing the entire season, the Pelicans finish 30-52. After a successful Amber Alert uncovers the whereabouts of David Griffin, the Pelicans’ executive VP of basketball operations waxes poetic on yet another lost season: “Suffering follows an evil thought as the wheels of a cart follow the oxen that draw it. You cannot travel the path until you have become the path itself.”

MAY: At the Kentucky Derby, Zandon and Jack Christopher, both trained by Chad Brown, finish 1-2. … Bob Baffert-trained Corniche, which didn’t have enough points to qualify for the Derby, takes the Preakness. … Collin Morikawa wins the PGA Championship at Southern Hills. Win has an asterisk, however, because DeChambeau, in a Sophie’s Choice moment, decides to skip the second major to pocket a $10 million appearance fee at Saudi Arabia’s World Long-Drive Contest. … New Orleans’ Department of Sanitation offers a revolutionary garbage solution: Pickup is cut back to once a month, but every homeowner gets 12 garbage cans. “The only fly in the ointment is we are seeing the emergence of raccoon-sized rats,” Mayor Cantrell admits. “No good deed goes unpunished.”

JUNE: In Elmont, N.Y., Mo Donegal outlasts a small field to give trainer Todd Pletcher his fourth Belmont title. … Joe Scheuermann’s Delgado Dolphins capture another Junior College World Series title in Grand Junction, Colorado. … Buoyed by an influx of talent – infielder Jacob Berry,  right-handed pitcher Eric Reyzelman and catcher Tyler McManus – Jay Johnson gets LSU back to Omaha in his first season as Tigers coach. Texas beats Vanderbilt for the title. … Brooks Koepka wins the U.S. Open at The Country Club in Brookline, Massachusetts. With his dad carrying his lightweight bag, Charlie Woods finishes T-5. …  With Kyrie Irving collecting $16 million to watch reruns of himself as “Uncle Drew” in Pepsi commercials, MVP Kevin Durant needs just five games to lift the Brooklyn Nets to an NBA title over the Golden State Warriors.

JULY: In the 150th Open at St. Andrews, Jon Rahm coasts to his second major victory. … With hurricane season in full swing, Entergy officials appear before the City Council to reassure ratepayers the utility has done its due diligence by purchasing 120 cases of Rust-Oleum from Home Depot for use on its transmission towers. “The problem is getting someone to climb way up there and spray it,” an Entergy spokesman concedes. “Have you seen the insurance rates on that?” … Resolution praising Entergy passes unanimously after 15 people, some of whom bear an eerie resemblance to Leonardo DiCaprio, Denzel Washington and Reese Witherspoon, offer tearful personal testimonies during the public comment period that their lives have been transformed by Entergy’s “level billing” program and “remote meter reading” system. … Matteo Berrettini upsets Novak Djokovic in five sets at Wimbledon.

AUGUST: Brian Kelly names Myles Brennan the Tigers’ opening-game starter at QB but says Walker Howard will play. Garrett Nussmeier enters the transfer portal. … Tulane football jumps head-first into the NIL wars with an innovative offer by former Archbishop Hannan and Archbishop Chapelle principal John Serio to pay Greenie athletes $11.50 an hour – $4 above minimum wage – to correct philosophy term papers. “We had to do something creative to get athletes on campus and entice them to stay,” Serio says. … Elias Ricks e-mails his phys-ed homework assignments from Tuscaloosa to Willow Street. … Before taking a snap in his senior season, Newman QB Arch Manning short-circuits any suspense over his college destination: The country’s No. 1 prospect is going to Georgia.

SEPTEMBER: Kelly jump-starts the Tigers to a 4-0 month with wins over Florida State, Southern, Mississippi State and New Mexico. … Tulane opens with wins over UMass and Alcorn State but loses to Kansas State and Southern Miss. … Saints beat Falcons and Panthers but fall to the Packers and Cowboys. … Nick Saban creates a “Roll Tide Cryptocurrency” endowment just in case Alabama ever needs to expand its library, create a professorship in world peace or attract a tight end with 4.2 speed. “The beauty is in its simplicity and its anonymity,” Saban says. “All I have to do is remember the password (LesMiles@MadeItSoEasy).”

OCTOBER: Jameis Winston rallies the Saints from a 14-point deficit to beat the Bucs in the Dome, getting the game-winner on a 3-yard slant to Michael Thomas with 30 seconds left. Saints beat Eagles, Bears and Giants but lose to Chiefs to stand 6-3… LSU rolls to 6-0 with wins over Auburn and Tennessee before falling to the Gators in The Swamp and losing at home to Ole Miss. … Tulane puts together another 2-2 month, with wins over Alabama-Birmingham and Charlotte sandwiched by losses to North Texas and Florida Atlantic. John Serio ups athletes’ hourly proofreading rate to $12.50. ... Dodgers capture the World Series over the White Sox.

NOVEMBER: LSU loses to Alabama but finishes off a hope-filled 9-3 season with victories over Arkansas, Alabama-Birmingham and Texas A&M, with Myles Brennan outshining Max Johnson at Kyle Field. … Saints enter December 8-5. … Greenies close out a wild 7-5 season with wins over Navy, North Texas and Rice and an overtime loss to Memphis. “That $730.50 was money well spent,” Serio exclaims.

DECEMBER: Saints go 11-6, including a 6-2 mark in the NFC South. … LSU defeats Iowa State in the Music City Bowl. … After a two-year hiatus, curbside recycling resumes. Using a compacting machine designed by Elon Musk and Sidney Torres IV, recycled lottery tickets and Mardi Gras beads are pumped into potholes in a nearly simultaneous operation. “You can thank me now,” Mayor Cantrell says. “I’m waiting.”   

Happy New Year!

pfinney@clarionherald.org