Separated, divorced Catholics are true family members

Stephanie Williams, a divorced Catholic who graduated from Corpus Christi School and now worships at Corpus Christi-Epiphany Parish in Gentilly, said it took her many years and discussions with priests during and after the divorce of her civil marriage to finally feel welcomed and fully participate in the church that she loved. 
 

“There was something for families – the husband, wife and children – but it made me angry that there was nothing for people who were divorced,” she said of her experience seeking Catholic ministries to help her. “Churches had singles’ ministries aimed mostly at people who were elderly, but not for singles who had children, like me.”
 

She thought the church didn’t address her needs as a divorced, devout Catholic with two young children she was raising as a single mom. She finally found a resolution after talking to several priests who gave her emotional support and steered her to the Bible.
 

“Whatever hard times I have experienced, I have only known to turn to God,” Williams said. “Jesus is there, no matter what your situation is. He says, ‘I can bring you life. I can refresh you.’”
 

This reliance created an understanding that not all marriages are meant to be. If the spouses are not considered to be properly disposed for marriage at the time they are married, a “declaration of nullity” (an annulment) can be sought from the Catholic Church.
 

“God is good, and through healing, God does amazing things in our lives,” Williams said. “We are called to be healers and bring people back to the life of the church.”
 

Over the past year, Williams and Corpus Christi-Epiphany Deacon Larry Calvin, who had attended a diaconate training on divorced and now-single Catholics, began organizing a recent workshop at Corpus Christi-Epiphany for those who might be seeking guidance. 
 

While Deacon Calvin has been married for 49 years, Williams said it was her experience of being a divorced Catholic that she wanted to share with others “who need help. It’s important to me to minister to the needs of the church and show what’s available.”
 

In her own case, Williams felt a divorce was necessary to protect herself and her sons.
 

Are answers clear?
 

Williams said God was nudging her to receive him in the Eucharist, but she didn’t know if she could or should.
 

“Communion was something that fed me spiritually,” she said. “I am a Catholic at heart. I needed to go to church and needed to receive Communion.”

Williams discovered that receiving holy Communion is permitted if she stayed in a state of grace and did not commit mortal sin, such as living with or having sex with another outside of a Catholic marriage. 
 

Williams acknowledges that the emotions experienced by separated or divorced individuals like herself are real and sometimes may cause decisions not always in their or their children’s best interest. She recommends naming that emotion and feeling it, reacting not irrationally but as a Christian.

“We can’t allow ourselves to go off our path as Christians just because we are going through something difficult,” she said.
 

Resources are there
 

Those separated or divorced who are seeking answers and trying to cope with their new place in life have several places to turn in the Archdiocese of New Orleans. 
 

Sam Pitre, associate director of the Office of Marriage and Family Life, said if couples are separated but are seeking to work to repair their marriage, they can attend a Retrouvaille retreat ( www.helpourmarriage.org). The next retreat is scheduled for July 10-12.
 

The church also offers a Beginning Experience weekend retreat where the separated, divorced and widowed share experiences of pain and hurt with others feeling the same thing. Founded by a Catholic sister, Beginning Experience helps people navigate the grieving process by offering an opportunity, through God, to turn their loss into positive growth. Upcoming retreat weekends are April 24-26 and Oct. 2-4 at Rosaryville Spirit Life Center in Ponchatoula (504) 481-1083.
 

The Marriage and Family Life Office also has “The Catholics’ Divorce Survival Guide” video series and books (www.catholicsdivorce.com) by Rose Sweet, a lay advocate well-versed in the annulment process, and other books as resources for the separated or divorced. 
 

And, there are regular annulment writing workshops. On the northshore, Mary Queen of Peace Parish in Mandeville will host a free, one-day workshop March 28 from 9 a.m. to 1 p.m. Call (985) 626-6977 for information.
 

The Office of Marriage and Family Life is working on a fall retreat for adult children of divorce. Pitre can identify since his parents divorced when he was young. He felt it a heavy weight in his life that set him on a path away from the church and realized at age 20, he didn’t like the man he was becoming. It was involvement in the church that brought him back to understanding what being a moral person was all about,  as well as the meaning of the sacrament of marriage.
 

Catholic Counseling Service, a ministry of the Archdiocese of New Orleans, is another resource for those who are separated or divorced. 
 

Yet another resource is the Civil Marriage Initiative, a new program created by “Witness to Love,” which helps accompany Catholics who are married outside the church. Some parishes have added this ministry and created a family life coordinator.
 

At the recent workshop, Tim Turner, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology at Xavier University of Louisiana and a licensed clinical psychologist, discussed how children are affected by separation and divorce. He cautioned parents in this situation to watch their actions – because the children are watching.
 

His recommendations included always putting the best interest of the kids first; working toward positive conversations with former spouses by identifying and resolving conflicts so they don’t reoccur; and setting realistic goals at the end of a relationship by letting go of past hurts.
 

He said creating “a new normal for the family” can result “in a healthy life for everyone.”
 

“The church needs to be open about helping families,” Turner said.

Williams wants to ensure that there is a place for the church to be in peoples’ lives.
 

“The Lord is here for all,” Williams said, “especially the separated and divorced.”
 

For details about ministries within the Marriage and Family Life office, call (504) 861-6243.
 

Christine Bordelon can be reached at [email protected].