Seniors rely on Catholic counseling to ease old regrets

By Peter Finney Jr.
Clarion Herald

The number of people, especially seniors, coming to the Catholic Counseling Service for help in handling challenging life situations has increased in the last two years, but Deacon Dave  Farinelli says it may not be directly tied to the pandemic.

“Probably a third of my clients would be classified as seniors,” said Deacon Farinelli, a Licensed Professional Counselor-Supervisor (LPC-S) and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). “Basically, I think it’s the whole situation the country is throwing people into.

“It’s things like: ‘Are we going to have enough retirement money? My kids are in crisis.’ It’s mostly about their kids and how they can take care of them or not take care of them. A lot of it is financially driven. The concept of being good parents is that they have to be able to take care of their kids, even if they’re in their 40s or 50s.”

Unaddressed marriage hurts
Some of the sensitive topics are marriage-driven, even from couples who have been married for decades, he said.

“It’s only because they’ve put up with each other for God knows how long, and they’re kind of wearing down,” Deacon Farinelli said. “They’re wearing thin on their patience.”

The possibility of contracting COVID later in life – which could lead to more serious consequence – causes anxiety, and Deacon Farinelli said those fears are driven by repetitive stories on the evening news.

“Usually what I tell them to do is to turn off the news, primarily because they need to give themselves a break from that kind of news,” Deacon Farinelli said. “The other thing is to live in the day – just today. Don’t worry about tomorrow. Whatever anybody says about tomorrow, just ignore it, because you don’t know what tomorrow is going to bring, and there’s no reason to worry about it.

“There’s a big difference between waiting for tomorrow and worrying about tomorrow. That’s the thing I can’t understand about people. They want to get all worked up over stuff that may or may not ever happen. Their concept is, ‘Well, I think or I believe this is going to happen.’ That’s not going anywhere. That’s just going to drive you crazy.”

His eye is on the sparrow
So, it’s almost like Jesus advising his followers: “Notice the ravens: they do not sow or reap; they have neither storehouse nor barn, yet God feeds them. How much more important are you than birds!” (Luke 12:24)

“I tell them to calm down and to put God in the moment,” Deacon Farinelli said. “In other words, is God with you? Do you really believe? Do you really trust? Maybe I can take their focus off of their own issues and move it to the issue of trusting in Christ, who said, ‘Do not be afraid. Trust in me.’ That’s something you can do, and it’s not under the constraint of anybody else.”

Deacon Farinelli’s advice to anyone, especially a senior, who may be feeling anxious about a problem he or she is facing is to pick up the phone and make an appointment.

“If they’re sitting in their house worrying about what’s going to happen in the next 75 years – and they’re already 75 years old – there’s some obvious stuff I can tell them,” Deacon Farinelli said. “Usually I tell them to get busy. Find a hobby, find a friend and spend time with the people they love. I’ve asked them to volunteer at places of interest to them. Find something that will keep you busy and keep you interested. Get into an exercise group.”

One of the most common issues Deacon Farinelli hears from seniors who come to him for counseling is regret for decisions they made years ago.

“All the time,” he said. “The bottom line is, they did what they could do. They made a decision then with the knowledge they had at that time. Right now, they are looking at it from 20 years in the past, and things are different now. Some people say, ‘Well, I should have done this and I shouldn’t have done that.’ I tell them, ‘No, you couldn’t have done it another way. You didn’t know anything about it.’ You not only get eaten up by the regrets – you create the regrets.”

Deacon Farinelli encourages anyone who feels they are dealing with a family problem they haven’t been able to solve to make an appointment.

“A lot of times what happens is if they just come in and talk to somebody, they are able to sort things out,” he said. “Make that little bit of an investment to air your thoughts and your grief and your confusion with somebody who’s not attached to you so you might feel more free to talk.”

“Pick up the phone. You’ve  got nothing to lose – except the state of mind that you might find yourself in.”

The Catholic Counseling Service is located at 2814 S. Carrollton Ave., New Orleans. For more information, call (504) 861-6245 or go to nolacatholiccounseling.com.

​​​​​​​pfinney@clarionherald.org