Sacrament of marriage is supposed to mirror eternal love of the Trinity

Father Joseph Palermo, pastor of St. Francis Xavier Church in Metairie and spiritual director at Notre Dame Seminary in New Orleans, offers Kids’ Clarion some insights on the sacrament of marriage. Father Palermo, a former lawyer who was ordained to the priesthood in 1994, is also the spiritual advisor to the St. Thomas More Catholic Lawyers’ Association. His previous ministry includes 10 years as a priest with Catholic Engaged Encounter.

Question: How many marriages have you officiated in your 27 years as a priest? 

Answer: I would say a few hundred. When I was a young priest, I think I did 25 weddings a year for the first three years, but because (I was subsequently assigned to) specialized ministry, it has definitely tapered off. I did a wedding here (at St. Francis Xavier Church) on Saturday night, and a small one on Monday morning – two doctors got married on their day off!

Q: Who is eligible to receive the sacrament of marriage?

A: A person who’s 18 years or older is eligible. In order to receive the sacrament, they need to be baptized, and it’s preferable that they’re also confirmed. They have to be free to marry – meaning they don’t have any other marital bonds – and they have to go through the process of marriage preparation, so they understand the sacrament. Three questions are asked of the couple right before the exchange of vows: “Is anything forcing you or coercing you into this marriage?” (No) “Do you understand you’re entering a permanent, life-long bond that can be dissolved only by death?” (Yes). And,“Are you open to accepting children that God may give you from this union?” (Yes).

Q: Do both people have to be Catholic to receive this sacrament?

A: They do not. One of the spouses has to be Catholic; the other one can be non-Catholic. If the person is a baptized Christian in another faith, then they’re entering into a sacrament. But if the other person is unbaptized – belonging to a non-Christian faith or no faith at all – then their marriage is not a sacrament; however, the spouse who is the Catholic can still practice his or her Catholic faith with a special dispensation – or permission.

Q: What happens during the rite?

A: The bride and the groom minister the sacrament to one another during the exchange of vows, and the priest or the deacon is the witness to the sacrament. So that makes marriage unique among sacraments, because all the others require an ordained minister to actually give the sacrament. The priest or deacon “officiates” the marriage ceremony.

Q: Why is unity a major goal of marriage?

A: If you go back to the Book of Genesis, which is what we believe gives the scriptural basis for marriage, God says, “It’s not good for the man to be alone; I will make a suitable partner for him.” So, he formed a partner and then said the man will now leave his family and the two of them will become one – so, they are no longer two, but one flesh. God recognized that the man was incomplete without a life partner – an equal in that partnership and covenant of marriage. God recognized that there was an aloneness (for man), and so God gave this sacrament to unite two people together in a lifelong bond so they wouldn’t live in loneliness. Unity remains a lifelong gift of marriage, even though the fertility part will pass, depending on the age of the couple. Later, in Scripture, Jesus repeats what’s in the Book of Genesis about marriage. He affirms it.

Q: Could you summarize the marriage prep process?

A: Priests are going to vary in how they do this. I personally meet with my couples three times. We go through the theology of marriage, and I get to know them. I try to find out: “How did you meet?” “When did you start dating?” “What attracted you to one another?” Also, “What are the ways in which you’re different that maybe have caused some tension or friction in your relationship?” That’s always a wonderful conversation. At some point after (the first) meeting, they fill out a questionnaire which asks them questions about every imaginable aspect of their life and their relationship. From that, you find out what their areas of commonality and difference are, and it gives you topics to talk about during the preparation. The third meeting is when I go over the Theology of the Body – the church’s teaching on sexuality. After this, the couple moves to the formal preparation phase, where they can choose one of three options: 1. At-home meetings on a series of topics with a trained mentor couple, usually in that couple’s home. The mentor couple will share about their own marriage – their joys and their struggles – and invite the engaged couple to share on that meeting’s topic. 2. A “Catholic Engaged Encounter Weekend” with about 20 other couples, facilitated by two trained mentor couples and a priest. 3. Or “Days for the Engaged,” sponsored by the archdiocese’s Office of Marriage and Family Life, completed over two Saturdays.

Q: Do you bring in any special touches to marriage prep?

A: One of the things that I do with my couples is we pray together. We do a little prayer where we take a moment to thank God for blessings, repent of failures, intercede for others and then add our personal intentions. In doing that, I teach them a way to pray – individually, but also as a couple. So, there’s a level of intimacy that takes place in these meetings, and the couple begins to feel like there’s a personal element to the church. Jesus became human – he became one of us – to establish a personal relationship with us, and not to be an abstract, impersonal God. When couples can have that kind of experience with the priest, it really draws them back into the life of the church, and that to me is incredibly exciting!

Q: Where can the sacrament of marriage take place?

A: The church has a very strong preference that it take place in a church, because it is a sacrament and connects us to the place where we go to receive the greatest sacrament: the sacrament of the Eucharist. Ideally, a couple is married with the sacrament of Eucharist – so, you have two sacraments happening at the same time – and, that obviously has to happen in a church. Also, the church is the place where we gather every Sunday as a community of faith to worship God, and the marriage is supposed to prepare you to live your life connected to God and prayer – so, that’s why the church is the ideal place. In special circumstances, a couple can make an appeal to the bishop to have a wedding in a separate location. For example, sometimes someone is very sick and the wedding takes place in a hospital. If a Catholic is marrying a Jewish person, for example, that wedding would not be a sacrament; therefore, the bishop might be open to having a different venue, since it’s not going to be a sacrament.  

Q: What does being able to officiate this sacrament mean to you as a priest?

A: One of the biggest joys of priesthood, for me, is to meet with an engaged couple several times and prepare them for the sacrament! Some young couples are not active in the practice of their faith, and so when you begin to teach them about how God is present in them and in their (pending) union, for many of them, it can be a reawakening of their faith. It’s a powerful evangelizing moment! Also, obviously, this is biggest moment of their life and the greatest commitment of their life, so to be part of that is a great honor; it’s humbling; it’s joyful; and it gives you hope when you see couples marrying in the church, instead of electing to marry outside of the church.

Q: Has anything unexpected happened during one of your weddings?

A: In one of the early weddings that I had, the flower girl and the ring bearer were brother and sister, and they were very young. They were coming up the long aisle at St. Rita Church in Harahan. I don’t know who started it, but one of them pushed the other one, and the other pushed back, and all of a sudden they were in a wrestling match! I also had a bride who was very nervous, and in her blinking, one of her contact lenses popped out onto her dress. A search took place among the bridesmaids and the groom, trying to find the contact lens.

Q: What wisdom do you offer couples regarding reception of this sacrament? 

A: I tell them that their union is supposed to parallel and imitate the eternal union of love of the Trinity – the Father, Son and Spirit. Many of them don’t understand that. Many of them don’t understand that the main goal of marriage is to help one another get to heaven. Many of them don’t understand that their job is to die for their spouse, like Jesus died for us. They also don’t understand the practical benefits of the sacrament of marriage. For example, when we talk about those parts of their relationship that have tension or difficulty, what are some constructive ways that you can deal with this? Often, it is down to a conflict in their communication styles. Maybe one is a talker who has to talk everything out before they feel reconciled, and the other is quiet, and would prefer to resolve things interiorly. How are we going to mesh these different communication styles? I give them a handout listing 14 tips for resolving conflicts. For example, when you have messed up, it’s very important to say, “I’m sorry,” but to also add, “Will you forgive me?” – because it transfers power to the person who is hurt.

Q: What do you see as a key to a happy marriage?

A: The couples that I know who are in very happy marriages really do pray together on a daily basis. It can be brief. They take a couple of minutes each day just to share what’s on their heart that they want to pray for that day. 

Q: Do you have any parting wisdom for brides and grooms?

A: The thing I’ve learned is, all couples struggle; all couples have conflict; all couples have pain in their marriage and in their family life; nobody is exempt. It’s just, “how do you deal with it?” The couples who are prayerful and faith-seeking get tools from their prayer, from the sacraments, from the church, from marriage prep. They get the tools to be able to live their marriage faithfully and joyfully!

– Interviewed by Beth Donze

Adults interested in learning more about any of the topics mentioned in this Q&A can contact the archdiocese’s Office of Marriage and Family Life by emailing mfl@arch-no.org or calling (504) 861-6243.