Marriage is dying to oneself for benefit of another

"Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it” – Matt 10:39.

Do you find this line strange to begin an article on marriage? I admit, it isn’t a familiar line for marriage or marriage enrichment. It is, however, the essence of what marriage entails.

I remember when I got married at the age of 21. Besides being nervous – let’s say “scared” – I believed I was up to the job of being a husband. My belief was based on a rather narrow understanding of being a husband. My vision was superficial.

Couples marry every day and go into it believing it is enough to be able to get along under the same roof. Of course, we want to believe it is more than that but aren’t able to really explain it. Few couples fully understand marriage is more than a friendship. It is more intense than any known human relationship.

It requires dying.

The dying we are required to do is to our self. Marriage is all about dying to self for the benefit of another, and later, of others.

Marriage has its own demands over and above any other relationship. Initially, this early state causes consternation, some resentment and surfaces the many degrees of selfishness each of us possesses.

Individuals coming into marriage believe life for them will be similar to the life they had before getting married. All they see are the benefits of marriage, rarely seeing or addressing the difficulties and sacrifices of marriage. There is a window in the early stage of marriage that life is fairly easy. Each person is willing to “allow” the other spouse space and “freedom.”

The goal for marriage is UNITY. This means each individual is challenged to become one with the other. They have an entire lifetime to achieve or come close to the goal. With that time, however, individuals will find out the challenge is not only to become one but to come face to face with those elements inside of themselves that obstruct them from becoming one.

We grow up eager to be on our own, to do what we want to do when we want to do it. Our desire is to be free of others, not to have to be responsible to anyone again.

However, in life, that is a myth. Each of us is accountable and responsible to others all our lives. Within marriage, it should be something we strive to achieve rather than avoid.

Giving up control
Living out one’s marriage commitment is difficult and requires work. There is a constant need to check one’s pride to be “in charge,” to be in control rather than being equal. Society has taught us to be competitive, not cooperative. The concept of mutuality within marriage is unique to the relationship.

For those of you reading this, this is not natural and will not always feel good.

If this idea is not a reality in your marriage, it may be time to sit alone in thought and prayer, asking yourself what exactly are you holding onto which prevents that type of union? Is it your pride, selfishness, indifference? Are you following in the footsteps of your parents, whose marriage seemed less than great? Do you believe you are doing all you can to form a strong marriage or is there more of yourself you can give?

Over the season of Lent and during the Easter season, be aware that Christ set the perfect example of giving one’s all to bring about new life. Each person married can also achieve new life through complete dying to self and rising into a new life of oneness with one’s spouse.

Deacon Dave Farinelli is coordinator of marriage preparation and enrichment for the archdiocesan Family Life Apostolate.