Giving God permission: How to make decisions as a couple

Jean and Janice Charbonnet of Mandeville have been married for 16 years  and have five children, ranging in age from 2 to 15. They made the following presentation to the International Catholic Engaged Encounter Conference in New Orleans in August. They talk about the prayerful process a couple goes through in making an important decision.
 
Let’s say you’re facing a major decision in your life. Some examples of major life decisions are the following:
 
➤ Do you sell your house?

➤ Do you switch the kids to a new school?

➤ Do you change jobs?

➤ Do you move your elderly mother into your home?

➤ Is now a good time to make that large purchase you’ve been thinking about?
Think of the last time you had to make a major life decision. What was that like?

➤ What it stressful?

➤ Was it unitive or divisive?

➤ Could you see the hand of God in it? Where was God in the process?
Here are a few tips we have found so helpful in making decisions as a couple, and hopefully it will help you the next time you are facing a major decision.

God has a plan for your married life

Janice: When Jean and I were first married, our parish priest at the time gave a homily one Sunday and said something that really made an impact on us and stuck with us for the rest of our marriage. He said one of the most important prayers you could ever pray was, “Lord, I give you permission to do whatever it is you want with my life.”

Our first step in talking to God about any decision is telling him that you want him to be boss, that you want his will to be done in your life. You have to give God permission to do what he wants with your life. God doesn’t need our permission to act, of course, but he does want us to have an attitude of surrender to him.

For some people, that sounds scary. If I let God do whatever he wants with my life, is he going to turn it upside down? Yeah, he might. If I let God do whatever he wants with my life, is he going to ask me to do something that other people won’t approve of? Yes, he might. Will it make me happy to do his will? You bet!

We are hard-wired to be happiest following God’s plan. He doesn’t want us to be holy and miserable.

Yes, I know what plans I have in mind for you, Yahweh declares, plans for peace, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope – Jer 29:11-12.

Giving God permission isn’t easy, we know. I am a Type A person. I’m a list-maker and a doer. So I always have an opinion about how something can be done. The challenge for me is to remember that I need God and to remember that I should ask him for his direction.

Car and driver analogy

Jean: Following God as a couple can be very challenging, but the challenge usually has to do with the way in which we submit to God and allow his plans to unfold in our lives.

➤ Example 1: You’re the driver; God’s the passenger
In this example, you are holding the wheel, and God is in the car with you. This is good. You have decided that life with God as part of it is a good thing, so God’s right there with you.

However, when it comes down to it, it’s kind of like having a GPS with a British accent. The GPS offers convincing advice, but ultimately, you go where you really want to go. It’s like when you have your GPS on in your hometown and the voice says: “In 500 yards, turn right.”

“Ha,” you say. “You’re voice is charming, but we’re going straight here.”

It’s the angel on your shoulder, but not much else.

➤ Example 2: God’s the driver; you’re in the passenger seat
In this example, now God has the wheel and you’re sitting right up front with him. You’ve made the conscious decision to say, “God, you drive for a while.” It takes a lot of guts, especially for men, to admit we don’t always know where we’re going. It’s really easy when you figuratively wreck the car or run out of gas. Once I was living up north, I got caught in my first snowstorm and just pulled over and let a local guy in my car take over. I was in over my head.

At times like that, it can be a really easy decision to let God take over. However, as soon as we feel comfortable again or confident in where we are, we want the wheel back. Or when we see something dangerous ahead, we might try to grab the wheel. We recognize the need for God to lead the way, but are prone to overconfidence or panic.

➤ Example 3: God’s the driver; you’re in the back seat
In this example, we have recognized that in order for us to fully allow God to lead, we need to step back and truly let go. This can be very humbling, like allowing a less-experienced driver to take us somewhere when we feel like we know the way. Sitting in the back can tempt us to want to shout out directions, but at least we can’t reach the wheel.

In giving God permission, we will probably look like all these different examples at different times. But what’s important is this: It’s important to have God in the car and not on the side of the road asking for a ride; and we need to be able recognize when we’re grabbing at the wheel.

Now what?

Janice: OK, so God is in the car. He’s behind the wheel. What’s next?

Once you’ve told him that you want his guidance, the next step is to listen to what it is. And that means praying. You have to be praying in order to hear what God is saying. You need to be in a state of grace by attending confession regularly so that you can hear clearly. But as long as you’re talking to him, he will speak to you.

You don’t have to be praying a certain way. You don’t have to be a certain kind of holy. If you tell God that you want what he wants and that your life belongs to him, he will let you know. For Jean and me, it comes in the form of a tugging in our hearts that will not go away and that we’ve prayed about. It’s not complicated.

Scripture tells us God will be right there to help us get where he wants us.

While from behind, a voice shall sound in your ears, “This is the way, walk in it” when you would turn to the left or the right – Is 30:21.

Yes, I know what plans I have in mind for you, Yahweh declares, plans for peace, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. When you call to me and come and pray to me, I shall listen to you. When you search for me, you will find me – Jer 29:11-12.