Evenings for the Engaged digs deep into important topics

By Christine Bordelon
Clarion Herald

Chuck Stiebing likes to tell engaged couples a story. “A father gives his daughter this advice on her wedding day: ‘From now on, whatever’s not good for the both of you is not good for either of you. You have to start making decisions in unity.’”

It’s probably not something all couples ponder before marriage, but it’s one subject of many that Stiebing and his wife, Bridget, discuss during couple-to-couple “Evenings for the Engaged” marriage preparation.

“We tell the couples, the goal of marriage is not happiness,” Chuck Stiebing said, to the shock of most brides. “The goal of marriage is unity, and a by-product of that unity is happiness.”

During the Evenings for the Engaged, couples share their marriage expectations on a myriad of subjects. The current marriage preparation – written by local Catholics Jan and Lloyd Tate – lasts 12 weeks (six, two-hour sessions with a week in between to complete “homework”) and covers the topics: Family of Origin, Marriage Expectations, Communication, Human Sexuality, Making Moral Decisions and the Sacrament of Marriage.

“There’s a real wisdom and genius in the order of these,” Chuck Stiebing said. “When you really think about it, we all start with our family of origin. The next subjects beautifully dovetail each other.”

Family of Origin is key
So much of what individuals expect in a marriage – how husbands and wives communicate, resolve conflict, raise children, etc., – comes from what they observed in their own home – that’s why “Family of Origin” is tackled first. Oftentimes, opposites attract, so what happens when tactics differ on these matters?

“This is just head and shoulders above the rest,” Chuck Stiebing said of the course they started using as a presenting couple seven years ago. “By the end, couples say it is much different than they thought. … Most of the time, we become very close, and usually it results in something they didn’t plan on – inviting us to the wedding.”

“We tell them at the beginning we are not therapists; we have no training,” Stiebing said. “Think of us as your coaches. We just have been in the game longer. We haven’t done everything right, and we’ve hurt one another. … But that’s not the end of the story. The end of the story is that God tends to forgive us and to love us. One of the hardest things – we are meant to love one another the same way God loves us. That is your marching order as a married couple. No exceptions.”

As a married mentor couple, the Stiebings reveal their day-to-day challenges. By the time they reach moral decisions, the Stiebings share what they consider wrong choices that affected their marriage.

“We were always worshippers, but we were really cafeteria Catholics,” Chuck Stiebing said. “We had been sexually active before we got married. We embraced contraception. What we have come to discover through this program is our pre-marital sex, our embracing contraception and ultimately sterilization had a direct effect on our communication. And we tell them that. … We start the sharing and make it very real and honest, and the Holy Spirit shows up the whole time and opens the door for couples to share.”

Changed their marriage
They say the marriage prep course has been a blessing to their marriage. “We were married 17 years, and I think we really thought we were all right,” Chuck Stiebing said.

“We were living a good secular marriage,” Bridget Stiebing said. “We really were at the time, thinking it was fine.”

“I remember thinking we must really be outstanding for this mentor couple to single us out. And we thought that we would be helping a young, engaged couple. I never ever thought it would cause us to examine our relationship. But, that’s exactly what happened to us.”

Chuck Stiebing said attending a “Theology of the Body” workshop opened his eyes to how choosing sterilization had changed their relationship.

“We realized we really weren’t comfortable sharing with each other,” Bridget Stiebing said. “That’s how bad our communication had gotten. It was a purging process for the two of us. We went on a Willwoods couples retreat (in 2002) to iron out how we had hurt each other over the years. That weekend we were able to forgive each other.”

They pray for young couples
They say they continue to learn by working with young couples, and they keep a prayer book with the names of couples they have mentored and pray for them.

“Still to this day, when a couple leaves our house, a light bulb goes off in our head about something going on in our own marriage,” Bridget Stiebing said. “You can always go deeper and that’s what this program helps us do in our marriage.”

Bridget Stiebing emphasizes to couples how marriage is a sacrament – just like the priesthood. Why are people shocked when a priest leaves the priesthood, but not when couples divorce?

“We have to be ministers of the sacrament,” Bridget Stiebing said. “We might not be the prefect couple, but if we open up and let God use us, hopefully others can learn from our mistakes.”

“Our marriage is going to help one another to get to heaven,” Chuck said to Bridget. “That’s the purpose in marriage. You are my ticket to get to heaven.”

Christine Bordelon can be reached at [email protected].