Change is necessary to build a stronger relationship

By Deacon Dave Farinelli

Close your eyes! As you sit with your eyes closed, open your imagination and explore how your marriage will grow and flourish.

Now, filter in all you dreamed of doing with your life. Where do you see yourself? What status do you want to achieve? How long will it be before you have children? What effect will the added responsibility have on your dreams? Now, open your eyes, write down some of your answers. 

It’s time to introduce another human into your life that we will call “spouse.” Guess what, spouse has his or her own set of questions to answer that are similar to yours. All of your spouse’s questions are good and potentially much different than yours. It’s important to know that what your spouse has been dreaming about may be dramatically different. 

The puzzle to be tackled is how this can all be put together to build a picture that is beautiful.
Jesus said “to lay down one’s life” for one’s friends is the greatest act of love. Put that thought in the same sentence with marriage or “I do.” The result is confusion, frustration, anger, some happiness, some joy, some peace! Two different people – with a world of difference – are each attempting to hold on to their own sense of self, including their dreams.

So, is there an answer to this puzzle? Yes! It’s the piece a man and a woman entering marriage are forced to look for in order to make their marriage work according to all expectations. Here we go again, talking about expectations. No one can eliminate expectations; however, they can be mitigated or changed to fit our needs. 

Here is the answer: CHANGE!

No one likes this word, especially in this context. Change in this context involves everything and everyone. Now, do you see why so few couples are successful in marriage? 

In essence, each person entering into marriage should know himself or herself extremely well. With that knowledge, a husband and a wife will be able to discern those things in themselves that aren’t conducive to marriage. It will also be necessary to surrender one’s individual needs in order to make room for the dreams and aspirations of the union.

The initial goal is to practice thinking as one and decide what brings individuals closer to each other rather than building walls. No aspect of your life should be left unchecked. 

Remember, this is only the beginning. Practice generosity, focusing on service to the one to whom you pledge your love. Changing yourself is huge work, which will take time and effort. Take time to sculpt a relationship that is self-sustaining and accommodating for others to enter.
At the heart of such a relationship is God. Try as one might, no person can achieve unity with another without the power and grace of God.

Deacon Dave Farinelli is clinical supervisor and counselor at Catholic Counseling Service. He can be reached at (504) 861-6245 or [email protected].