Adult cooperation essential to put end to bullying

By SHARON HENO

Guest Columnist

While it has been in the media and on the minds of many over the past few years, bullying – or aggression – is not a new concept. In the past this “peer aggression” was dismissed as a rite of passage, or “kids just being kids.”

We now know, however, the devastating and long-term affects bullying can have on our youth. Bullied children are more likely than their peers to be depressed, lonely and anxious.

What was traditionally viewed as a problem for middle and high school students now makes its appearance very early on in child interactions. Researchers have found that children are the targets of bullying about once every six minutes from the start of kindergarten to the end of first grade. Findings also show that one in seven students from kindergarten through 12th grade are victims of chronic bullying.

Definition clarified

In order for communities to address bullying, they need to fully understand the definition and be able to differentiate between aggression and peer conflict.

Bullying (peer aggression) is aggressive behavior that is intentional and involves an imbalance of power or strength. Typically this behavior is repeated and ongoing. Often adults see an incident, but think it is a one-time event or an argument between friends (peer conflict). But unfortunately, if one incident is witnessed, the child probably is experiencing more.

Bullying behavior can be physical (hitting, kicking, pinching), verbal (teasing and name-calling) or relational (intimidation, social exclusion, silent treatment). In today’s world, this aggression often winds up online.

Why do children bully?

In the past it was believed that children who bully are loners or have low self-esteem. Recent studies have debunked both of these theories. Studies show that these children are not socially isolated and have an easier time making friends than their victims. Research has also found that youth who bully have average or above average self-esteem.

There is a small percentage of children who are “hard wired” for bullying, but for the majority of youth, bullying is a learned behavior. These children have learned that bullying is the only way to survive, and often times were the victims of bullying themselves at one time.

Exposure to TV and other forms of media may play a part in forming a bully, but observing older siblings and parental relations has a more critical impact. Another important factor is if the child experienced the loss of a family member or quality of life due to death, divorce, illness or financial struggles.

Never blame the victim

Who is at risk of victimization? Anyone.

Children who are perceived as ‘different’ in some way often become the target for aggression. Bullied children are often unable to “stand up” for themselves, or are seen as being weaker than the rest. Children with disabilities are often targeted and need adult intervention.

However, it is important to never blame or look for faults in the victims.

Deterring the behavior

Bullying behavior occurs in a variety of settings, including school, playground, camp, aftercare, at home and online. Anywhere children are, bullying can happen. But it doesn’t have to!

Adult supervision plays a big role in deterring aggressive behavior. Making certain that adults are present and watching children’s interactions is the first place to start.

In the early ages, the adult presence is very much the reward. Interacting with children and modeling pro-social behavior is essential if a child is to learn how to have his needs met in an appropriate manner.

When acts of aggression do happen, immediate intervention with age-appropriate consequences should take place. For example, if children are fighting over toys at the sandbox, the adult can intervene by taking the toy and explaining the importance of taking turns (timers work great for this). This teaches the children to work together and helps to develop patience.

Another bullying scenario is when a child is not being allowed to play with or accepted into a group. After observing this behavior, the adult on duty can start playing with the excluded child, which probably will spark curiosity in the other children and encourage them to explore the relationship. After the children begin playing together, the adult can remove himself or herself from the immediate play area and just observe.

It is important to use dialogue the child can understand and to name the aggressive behaviors. Statements like “You are not being nice,” or “That’s mean,” have little impact on young children. Statements like “I saw you take that away,” “I know you want to play with this but,” or “I saw you hit – we never use our hands to hurt others,” are more effective.

Tips for parents

If a parent suspects his child is being victimized, take a deep breath!

First, focus on your child, listen and be supportive. Statements like “I’m sorry this has happened to you” has more of an impact than any immediate solution you can offer. This validates the abuse the child has experienced – he or she has  been heard.

Never tell a child to ignore the bullying. While getting information from your child, ask specific questions about what happened and who was involved. Avoid blaming the victim or asking if he did something to make the other child mad. This will only make the child insecure and hopeless.

Many children who are victims have feelings that if they could have been or done something different it would have helped. This is never the case! No child should be abused by their peers because of who they are.

It is hard not to tell a child to defend himself, but encouraging physical retaliation – “just hit them back” – is not the solution. This is likely to worsen the problem and will potentially get your child kicked out of the program they are in.

Inform the adult supervisor

After you have gathered all the information, it is important to report the bullying to the appropriate source. If the incident occurs at school, report to the teacher or principal; if it takes place at the playground, report it to the coach.

Do notcontact the parents of the aggressor. This often makes the situation worse. Instead, allow the appropriate officials to contact the family and discuss the behavior.

Through my work with bullied children I have been able to develop “The Shift,” a Project Fleur-de-Lis program that allows us to work with the students, faculty and parents on the topic of peer aggression. The Shift addresses each of these audiences separately, providing interventions and encouraging changes in thoughts and behaviors related to aggression. We have had an overwhelming response to our program and have been able to offer this speaker series in both elementary and high school settings.

The students are amazing and are so excited to get this conversation started! They want to talk about bullying and have admitted they need help. It is up to us – the adults – to provide this support and promote an atmosphere of change.

Sharon Heno is school counselor liaison for Project Fleur-de-Lis, an outreach program of the Sisters of Mercy and a school-based mental health program available to Catholic, private and public school students and their families. The Shift program is free of charge to participating Project Fleur-de-Lis schools. For more information, e-mail [email protected].

For more information about Project Fleur-de-Lis, e-mail [email protected].