A promise to remember: ‘In sickness and in health’

In sickness and in health.

Those five words in marriage vows, when said quickly, lose the great responsibility thrust on those who utter them. When a couple makes this covenant “till death do us part,” they often overlook the most difficult part, “in sickness.”

Unless they have been the personal caregiver for a loved one experiencing an extended or serious illness or have witnessed a caregiver providing such care, they are generally not prepared to be one.

Almost all of us enter marriage blinded by love and expecting nothing but good things to bless us for a lifetime, particularly if we are young and in good health. We don’t contemplate that there is a “dark side” (bad health, severe injury or terminal illness) that can rear its ugly head at any time, and, when it does, can turn our lives upside down.

A reality check

What happens to our lives when we must feed our spouse multiple times throughout the day because they can only take a small bite at a time or just a sip of water? It’s possible that we might have to bathe or help bathe our spouse, help them dress, go to the toilet or change their diaper or help them move in and out of a bed or on/off a chair.

A loved one must also get their medications multiple times daily, on a timely basis, and be taken to the doctor’s office from time to time. While all of this is going on, our spouse might suffer from memory loss or dementia and may not even recognize us.

How will this affect us, the healthy partner? We will lose sleep, be frustrated with our spouse’s progress, experience no social life and a lack of intimacy. It will be harder to celebrate birthdays, anniversaries and holidays. Being kept on hold on the phone, dealing with the healthcare system (pharmacies, doctors and insurance), will be irritating.

All of this must be balanced against the healthy spouse’s job. And in a two-income family, the loss of income might create a financial burden made more difficult by exorbitant medical bills.

Not a rosy picture.

If our spouse is unable to do anything independently for a few days, that is not so bad; a week would qualify as a test; a month can be quite a burden. If it is longer than that – or even a lifetime – we’d better love our spouse above even life itself because this journey will take its toll on us mentally, physically and perhaps spiritually as we ask God, “Why?”

We have to accept the fact that God works in his time and in his way, in ways that we do not understand. However, we are called to accept his will. During this challenging time, there is an opportunity to become closer to our spouse and Jesus, the Great Physician and Healer.

Did we sign up for this?

We might be inclined to say that this is not what we signed up for. Or is it? Remember, “in sickness … ?”

Jesus accepted help from Veronica, who washed his face, and Simon of Cyrene, who helped carry his cross. Spouses, too, can get help from family, friends, their church community and outside caregivers such as LPNs, CNAs, RNs and hospice or respite care.

We must reassure our spouse that we still love them as much during their illness as we have loved them before. We should pray with them, as well as for them, particularly through the intercession of Mary and the saints. We must never quit loving or caring for them. And we must be thankful that things are not worse – and yes, they can get worse, no matter how bad we think it is.

Though it is difficult to accept, even death as a gateway to heaven, may be better than the grueling pain and suffering caused by a terminal illness.

Are we ready for this? Probably not, but a loving spouse can get through it by making time for self-care, even in 15-minute breaks, by reading, listening to music or exercising; by recognizing our limitations; by not feeling sorry for ourselves for being given a labor of love; by living up to the covenant we made with our spouse and God; and by keeping the faith.

With it and through God, all things are possible, “in sickness and in health!”

Deacon Gerard Gautrau can be reached at [email protected].