A nod to Jimmy Cannon: ‘Nobody Asked Me, But …’

Jimmy Cannon was the king of one-liners as a sports columnist with the New York Journal‐American, New York Post and New York World Journal Tribune in the 1950s and ’60s.

 Cannon called his periodic notes columns “Nobody Asked Me, But …”
 
And then, of course, Cannon would muse anyway about sports and life.
 
With apologies to Cannon, here’s an attempt at explaining some quirky things about life and canon law, along with a mix of other low-brow philosophical observations:
 
➤ Everyone has a church cell phone story, but why in the sacred name of Aunt Bea does the whistling first line of “The Andy Griffith Show” have to launch at a funeral Mass – five times?
 
➤ I love a minute of silence after a really good homily.
 
➤ When potholes have birthday parties complete with ice cream, cake and balloons, we have been vanquished by the primordial ooze.
 
➤ The Scripture I have the most trouble understanding comes on Ash Wednesday when Jesus cautions his followers not to change their appearance so they look so gloomy.
 
➤ Dr. Norman Francis and Dave Dixon qualify as the two most important citizens of New Orleans over the last 60 years.
 
➤ Actually, since there’s a vacuum of hagiography at “The Circle,” I’m sure someone could offer the city an oversized bust of Archbishop Philip Hannan, the Jumpin’ Padre, who was never afraid of heights.
 
➤ When Cecile Richards of Planned Parenthood recently wished women a Happy Mother’s Day, I wonder if she thought that all the way through, exactly.
 
➤ A great way to make the miracle of Catholic school education available to everyone would be a modest $100 million endowment.
 
➤ Harvard’s endowment is $32.7 billion, as they say, with a “B.”
 
➤ I get a tad nervous when I go to McDonalds for a sausage biscuit and the cashier takes my $10 bill and slips it underneath the change bin as though it were a $100.
 
➤ “Chariots of Fire” is my all-time favorite sports movie.
 
➤ Do neighborhood kids play “Kick the Can” anymore?
 
➤ There are few things in life better than a 3 p.m. nap.
 
➤ My luck in cashing in on the Powerball jackpot is roughly equivalent to my success in picking the right checkout lane at Rouses.
 
➤ Despite being immersed in NOLA subculture most of my life, it caught my eye when I saw a man driving an old VW bug with his left leg poking out of the window.
 
➤ Why do the Saints always give away draft picks to trade up and the New England Patriots always collect draft picks by trading down?
 
➤ “The King of Love My Shepherd Is” is the simplest, most lyrical and resonant Irish ballad I’ve ever heard.
 
➤ If you want to feel better in about five minutes, go to YouTube and search for the medicine: Mahalia Jackson’s version of “There is a Balm in Gilead.”
 
➤ If Fox and CNN borrowed the tic-tac-toe motif from “Hollywood Squares” and had nine celebrity boxes, it would greatly enhance our nation’s political discourse – but only if everyone shouted at the same time.
 
➤ Is there a funnier line in movie history than the one delivered by the jury foreman in “The Producers,” who, after glancing at Zero Mostel and Gene Wilder, tells the judge: “Your honor, we find the defendants incredibly guilty!”
 
➤ Dare you to name a better forkful than Oysters Mosca.
 
➤ Babies making noise in church just means Jesus’ lap gets a little bigger.
 
➤ One of the greatest indictments of helicopter parents came from a harried Catholic school principal, who once whispered to me, “I want to come back as principal of an orphanage.”
 
➤ It’s not too late to hug your kids’ teachers.
 
Peter Finney Jr. can be reached at pfinney@clarionherald.org.

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